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Sunday, October 7, 2007
ND's Weiss, McDonald's Announce Deal
Oak Brook, IL - Fast food giant McDonald's announced a first of it's kind agreement with Notre Dame head football coach, Charlie Weiss. The company's CEO, Jim Skinner, discussed the deal. "We're very happy to be joining up with Charlie. Mr. Weiss, serving as our spokesman, will help us unveil a new strategy to increase sales. Namely, we've tried to offer less fattening fare but that blew up in our face. We aren't going to hide things any more. If you're a fat tub of shit and want to consume sloppy, fattening food, then we're the people you need to see. Our fries, burgers, and nuggets will be highlighted. We'll be discontinuing the salads and yogurts."
When pressed for the reason Weiss was chosen, Skinner continued. "Charlie really is everything we're looking for in a spokesman. He's tried to lose weight but can't, even going so far as screwing up gastric-bypass. Charlie is undisciplined and unapologetic about his desire to eat until he blows up. He's the ultimate fat American, and that's who we want coming through our doors."
Mr. Skinner also discussed terms of the deal. "Charlie will get $5 million per year until he dies of a coronary. Obviously, the deal took a great deal of negotiating. Charlie was demanding free McDonald's whenever he liked. But the costs for us would have been outrageous. We estimated he could consume $50 million/year alone. We're hoping he's around long enough for more of our advertising campaigns that would include him with such famous blobs as Jabba the Hut, Samoans, Homer Simpson, Mark Mangino, and those fatties on Maury that can't get out of the house anymore."
A delighted Weiss had this to say. "I'm just happy to have something take people's minds off our crappy team right now. Yeah, I'm a lousy coach but I can sure eat. In fact, every time I go to dinner, I touch a big sign above the door that says, 'Eat Like a Champion Today.' So obviously, this is a big challenge but I feel it's great for me, the University, and McDonald's."
Weiss' wife chimed in as well. "I just upped the life insurance policy. I can't wait to retire in Hawaii."